Dreamin' of Vermont...

• 2012-05-29

  SO I woke up this morning and realized all I ate yesterday was some rice. And I am supposed to get some kind of meds like addys on Thursday for my add/adhd but I am starting to freak out. Or maybe it would be a good thing if I was put on medication that makes me not hungry.

  I eat food and it makes me sick. I eat food and I make myself sick. No matter how many times a therapist tells me I have an eating disorder I don’t want to listen. I don’t know if I believe you. cause I look at myself in the mirror and see a fucking whale. My therapist clearly made fun of me the other day when I was trying to open up about how it’s hard for me to eat just because I don’t want to and he laughed at me and said “so you think sticking your fingers down your throat is going to make you more thin?” HONESTLY GO FUCK YOURSELF.

  How are you supposed to know how I feel, like you’re over six feet and look like you weigh 100 pounds. It’s not as easy as you think. when you constantly are reminded everyday of the fat ALL OVER YOUR BODY. Yeah I step on a scale everyday and even though I lost like 20 pounds in the course of a few weeks I just don’t see the change. I know I am sick in the head, but I don’t want to admit it.

  I like my lifestyle I guess and whenever someone tells me I look good I say thanks but I know it’s not true. I am going to start trying to weigh myself everyday and post it so I can keep track of change, but will it make a difference? I look down at the scale and see a stupid number that means nothing to me. Even though the scale proves I am down to 115 pounds I just don’t see it.

  I want to know when the torture is going to end. When I will be able to stop this nonsense cause clearly I know something is wrong. But I don’t know what to blame for this eating disorder and it’s scary not having anyone to talk to about it that I can trust like I used to. I just want to know that there are other people out there that feel the same way I do because it’s hard when you feel so alone. I know I am going to keep going and someday I am going to become very sick, but maybe that will get this monster out of me, maybe that’s what I need: a scare. 

  Like what is there to live for?

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  How many vegans are on Tumblr? Reblog if you’re a Vegan!

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• 2012-05-28

  

  Taken with instagram

• 2012-05-15

  

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  Source: sam-jensen

• 2012-05-01

  

  Last cruiseeeee wiff mah gurlies! <3 (Taken with instagram)

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  do you remember that night in the car when we cried for hours? cause I know I do and you know what? I MEANT EVERY SINGLE WORD I SAID. when I told you that no matter what I would still be there for you to talk to and I wouldn’t tell a single soul. all of the promises you have ever made pretty much mean nothing to me. since we aren’t going to be able to figure this out with each other I figure I will post how I feel on here. I have never felt like I have to “put up” with you. want to know why? because I care about you because you’re my FRIEND. when you are hurting, I hurt. I would never ever betray you in any way or ever let any guy come in between us and I am hurt that you would let something like this get in the way of our friendship. I feel like I did a lot for you. or atleast I tried. I smoked you up all the time and never complained to you once about not contributing because I understand. I have tried to understand this whole time. I know that you’re hurting and I have always wanted to help and talk you through things, but when I need someone to talk to you are no where to be found. I can’t take a one sided relationship anymore. and if I ever have a problem with you I come and talk to you about it to your face and not all of the other people we are “friends” with. because that’s what friends do. and I understand he is your friend too but you put a GUY before me and that is why I was hurt. I was never trying to attack you, but you acted like I was. I approached YOU because I didn’t want to communicate through other people and you had no respect for me. you acted like my feelings meant nothing. I want to know what I did to you in this particular situation? because as far as I am concerned you were the one who went behind my back MULTIPLE times and talked about me. I hadn’t said anything to you the first few times even though I know you were the one who talked to Elio about me. If you were a good enough friend you would have came and talked to me first when it wasn’t even your business in the first place. Michayla was venting to you about something that happened WHEN YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE and you felt the need to take it into your own hands. Did you know how hurt I was that I slept with another guy while drunk? No you didn’t because you didn’t talk to me about it. If you had you would have known that I was waiting for after the Sox game to tell Jared and see how he took it because I didn’t want to ruin that for him. But you know what? He found out from someone else so that made me look like shit because I was supposed to be the one to tell him. One of our close friends made it clear to me the other day that you are the kind of friend who we can have fun with and even though you let us down all the time and we feel no effort from you we enjoy your company. All of your friends feel that we are here for you, but then you are never there for us when we need you. I can honestly say that’s exactly how I feel.

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  I look like suchhhha geek :P

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